I seem to have lapse back into depression, a state of despair that hounds me night and day and saps me of nearly all my strength. I have trouble concentrating. I have no interest in doing anything, in fact the simplest task seems a monumental chore.
I thought it might be helpful to re-visit something I first posted back in June of 2007, when I was going through a similar struggle. The post elicited some interesting comments. I would be eager to hear your response….
{from “Sinful Despair”, first posted June 12, 2007}
I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go about my day lately. I have no motivation. I can’t concentrate on anything. Everything seems a tremendous chore. I’m going through terrible despair and I’m not sure why.
So I pick up a book of C.S. Lewis quotes and my eyes hit on this -
“Despair is a greater sin than any of the sins which provoke it.”
Think of that. Despair as sin. None of this mamby-pamby pity for someone like me going through depression. Just the cold, bracing reality that I am a sinner and I need to call on the forgiveness of Christ.
Then I was preparing for a Bible study and ran across these words of Matthew Henry -
“Those that are melancholy and troubled in mind have thoughts arising in their hearts which reflect dishonour upon God, and create disquiet to themselves.”
So why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to God? Sure, there’s the body chemistry answer, but I think there’s a deeper spiritual one as well. I think I’m possessed by a spirit of dis-ease that keeps me from going about my day grateful for the good life God has given me.
So, I would appreciate your prayers. Please pray that I be forgiven of despair and that I might rediscover the joy of my salvation.
more spiritual reflections on depression…
You are very much in my prayers today. Awareness of your dis-ease makes me think a lot too. I feel gifted with humility … if such a phrase can be used … that I don’t understand how it is that affliction comes and how it is lifted from us. I’m unable to blame and unable to cure … and again I know that He is God. I think it is useful that you have looked back and perhaps can be reminded that this too shall pass.
The Pistol fires back: Thank you for your prayers. And yes, it can be good to look back at what God has done (and look ahead at what God will do).
I think (and as you know–I’m a lawyer not a doctor) that despair and clinical depression are very different. Sure they are similar. But I think C.S. Lewis is talking about despair of a different nature. Someone who truly believes there is no hope, there is no rescue, there is no joy, there is no happiness for whatever the reason–that is a person living in sin. Why? Because the Christian knows and trusts that in God there is everlasting hope, in God there is rescue, in God there is joy and peace and REST. It is the person who does not believe that God is the master of our despair that is truly sinning. Sure, slipping into those feelings is a sin, but the difference is you have a clinical issue and…most importantly… you know that hope and joy and peace rest in God–even if at times it is hard for you to take full hold of that truth. The key is–you know the truth is there and you know it will ultimately set you free.
The Pistol fires back: Excellent points, Murphy. And it’s great to hear from my favorite Houston lawyer.
-Murphy
I hope you don’t mind a quick note from a stranger–
You say, “So why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to God?”
May I propose that your feelings are not your fault? If you really feel that some unconfessed sin is making you depressed, you could try to address that. But feeling that there is no hope is not the same as believing there is no reason to hope. So don’t blame yourself.
Also, my recent depression came from cognitive dissonace, feeling trapped or out-of-control in your life, and inability to cope with stress. You might simply need to re-evaluate your life and plans and goals. If you have no motivation, you might simply hate your life and find you are no longer motivated to live it. So change your life! With the help of a low dose of anti-depressants, I’ve kicked myself in the pants and figured out what to do with my life and what needs to change so that I can be proud of myself.
Best of luck.
I’ve been there. I’ve lived there. Actually, I think there’s an entire street paved with despair, and named after me. Never a good place to be.
I commisserate, and pray that God’s grace manages to eke through the cracks, soothing your soul at least a bit.
Seeing despair as a sin could lead to more despair… depending on how you take it.
I like what Murphy said.
And I think one can be in despair, face and accept its reality, and still know that one’s perspective is limited and influenced by the illness, and so choose to take hold of truth even though with trembling and doubt and fear.
God grant such faith to the despairing, me included.
Christianity Today is talking a lot about depression this month.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/march/12.30.html
The Pistol fires back: I’ll have to check it out. Thanks for the heads up.
Praying for you, brother. I’ve been in and out of one myself.
May God hold you in his tender care!
The latest issue of Christianity Today is devoted to Depression.
Wait, I just saw that Cathy beat me to the punch in commending that. “by the mouth of 2 witnesses…”
God bless you!
Yours in Christ,
Doug
The Pistol fires back: Thanks, Doug. May God bless you as well.
I wanted to add an idea that’s been helpful to me in recent years — recognizing that most of the time it’s not the depression, despair, anxiety, or fear that’s devastating me, but my despair ABOUT the despair, my fear OF the fear, etc. I am trying to learn to accept the base level depression or whatever as it happens, as something that happens, something that will pass, something that will happen again, something that will not destroy me, something without moral content in itself.
It’s the same thing others have been saying, just slightly different language.
The Pistol fires back: Well said.
In my opinion despair comes from not getting outside. Literally you must go outside , force yourself to go outside and experience the elements , be it rain or sun, hot or cold, and looking at Gods creation. The sky, plants, trees, birds and whatever wildlife is about. Wonder about how the plant, tree, or bird lives. How many plants, trees, birds are there? Feel the tree with a hand. Is it beautiful?
When I do this I lose despair.
The Pistol fires back: Glad you’ve found something to work for you. If only it were so easy. I got outside – actually walking between 1-5 miles/day every day for almost two years – and still there were days I found no relief. I still walk and also highly recommend getting outside for persons battling depression but while this may cure the ailment for some it may only help others cope a little better. Thanks for dropping by.
Hi there – I guess I commented here a few times in the past, because I got an email from you today. Just wanted to say I hear you, and while I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, I have walked a similar path with my own psychiatric illness(es).
Have you checked out the Spiritual Emergency blog? It’s at
http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com
I’ve lived with depression for 20 years, and the drugs only work sometimes so I’m always searching for understanding or relief or to make sense of it…
Thomas Moore’s book The Care of the Soul helped me tremendously, and so has EFT, which you can learn all about via Google. It works, even though my rational mind says it shouldn’t.
Wish you well…
The Pistol fires back: Glad you dropped by and thanks for the recommendations.
“and still there were days I found no relief.”
Nothing is perfect.
Walking is close to perfect, 1)Its free 2) Biologically our bodies are designed-made for walking , we must exercise daily.
On the walk you can hold onto ideas that upset you, if you want to hold onto upsetting ideas, you can continue to think about them, it is your mind. There is nothing that can force you to think about good things, such as nature.
My advice to you is to remember depression is a medical illness. Having suffered from it since probably late childhood, and “hoeing a very hard row” with it recently, I am constantly amazed that anyone would seriously believe the horror of depression is intentional, self-inflicted.
However, I do find many modern Christian thinkers place the responsibility for depressive illness on the sufferer, which I think displays gross ignorance and a gross lack of Christian charity. It would seem CS Lewis does fall into this category. As also for the Pope, Mr Lewis is certainly not infallable.
Like cancer, coronary heart disease, lupus etc, there are certainly things we can do to make the illness more likely to occur, to make it more severe, to interefere with its treatment, and there are also things we can do to help alleviate the symptoms. It’s cure is, as always, in God’s hands, and sometomes, indeed often, his answer to a requst for a cure is “no”. The reasons for any of God’s decisions are usually shrouded in mystery. The distinction between despair and depression is probably academic.
The Pistol fires back: Believe me, I too speak from experience – having come several times to the point of not wanting to live. As with most illnesses, it is a balance between what our bodies do to us and what we do to our bodies. I can’t keep my brain chemicals from going haywire and causing me to think despairing thoughts but – I can do positive things to minimize their effect.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful reply and all the best on your journey.