Losing Your Memory or Your Mind?
April 29, 2008 by pistolpete
{first published in Necessary Therapy on March 17, 2007}
The psychiatrist of a friend of mine recently mentioned that he might need to consider ECT to treat his bipolar disorder. My friend is struggling with this. While ECT has come along way since the days of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, there is still a high risk of substantial memory loss.
This has gotten me to think. Would I rather lose my mind or my memory? Most would say, obviously, your memory. That would be mostly an inconvenience that you could overcome with help. But I’ve seen the pain and frustration of so many people suffering from Alzheimer’s, losing your memory is certainly no picnic.
Losing your mind, as harsh as it sounds, might not be as unpleasant for the person going through it. There have been times I’ve not been in my “right mind” and, apart from the occasional crippling depression and blood-curling paranoia, it’s not that bad. In fact, it has been something of an adventure to drift off into another reality.
The thing that tips the scales for me, however, in favor of losing my memory, is the effect it would have on others. People can laugh with you when you can’t remember something, People are simply annoyed at (or afraid of) you when you’ve lost your mind.
What do you think?
Your post makes me cry. No one should have to choose that. And it raises my hackles to think about making the choice based on what might annoy or scare someone else. I’m tired of people being annoyed with me. But I’m absolutely not willing to hand over my mind to make it stop.
The Pistol fires back: It is a sad reality many people face who have mental illness in various forms. Still, I believe God helps us make the most of it.
A medication I’ve taken recently, Lorazapam, has a side effect of amnesiac moments. Things just disappear from my mind. It’s no fun, I must say. Very frightening. Very disorienting. Losing your memory would be a lot like losing your mind because upon what pegs would you hang your experiences and ideas if memory is gone?
There are many days where my depression feels crippling. I’m thankful I don’t need to have anything as extreme as shock therapy. More power to you and your friend.
Hi Pistol,
Sorry to hear that things have been tough lately but I’m also glad to hear things are looking up. My SIL’s son was just diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. They are going through a lot of guilt for it not dawning on them sooner that he had some serious things interfering with his daily stability. He’s a very angry young man. I’m praying right now for you that you would find a place of joy in your daily grind…