A Real Live Preacher Comes to Therapy

 

 

PP:    First, let me thank you for coming into Necessary Therapy.  Tell us about ”Real Live Preacher“?  In what ways are you similar to and in what ways are you different from this persona? 

RLP:    I’ve been asked this a lot, and I never know what to say so I just shoot from the hip.   First, Real Live Preacher is the name under which I write. And because a writer chooses what to write about, that persona is always rather idealistic and incomplete.

            Second, Real Live Preacher was born out of a desire to tell the truth about my life as a minister. So in many ways, Real Live Preacher is the real me. But in some ways he is the me I’m trying to become.   Real Live Preacher a name for my writing voice.

 

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PP:      Aside from replacing a toilet, what would you say was your greatest accomplishment?

RLP:    Let’s agree to set aside the ones that are obvious and should be said by everyone. Wife and kids. Clearly the greatest thing was finding her and the two of us making them.

            But that aside, my writing. I’ve been writing hard since 2002. I’ve put together a body of work. What anyone else thinks about it isn’t something I control. If you want to be a writer, you better be writing stuff. So…I wrote a bunch of stuff.

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PP:   What would you like to change about the Church?

 

RLP:   Oh my dear Lord. I’d like to tear it completely to the ground, leaving not one stone upon another. Then no one gets to go to church or read the New Testament or sing any spiritual songs for one year.

            Then, and only then, we are allowed to gather in groups of 2 to 100. No more than that. We read the New Testament again and sit around crying for joy and talking about how we could be what we are called to be and nothing else.

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PP:   Has your hair ever been longer than your wife’s?  How about facial hair?

 

 

 {artist’s depiction of a long-haired hippy unrelated to Real Live Preacher}  

RLP:   Yes. In College briefly. Facial hair? I have some. Occasionally I grow it out and stand there grinning, looking at the mirror. Then my children and I start playing, “Shave daddy’s beard and make him look stupid.” Sideburns like Elvis, handlebar mustache, Charlie Chaplin moustache. I always end with a soul patch, which my wife HATES like poison. But every husband needs to piss off his wife now and again. This seems like a rather harmless way to get that out of my system.

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PP:   Who is one of your favorite Christian recording artists?

RLP:  I hate Christian music. Not the stuff we sing in church, but the stuff you hear on the radio. Why is it that within 1 second you can tell that you’ve hit a contemporary Christian station? I don’t listen to it. I don’t know the names of any current Christian artists. I claim NO virtue in this. Really. I just don’t like it. Doesn’t move me like classic rock and pop. Of course the exception would be the one Christian artist I know and adore - Billy Crockett.

 

PP:   You’ve written for some top publications  (like articles for The Christian Century, The Wittenburg Door, a book of essays for Eerdmans).  What’s the best publication that’s ever turned you down?

RLP:   This is weird but I’ve never been turned down. Because I never submit anything. I’m like that guy who keeps waiting for girls to ask him out. Seriously, I got invited to write some things so I did. Lucky me.

            If I was ambitious and organized and smart about having a writing career, I’d be submitting things to magazines all the time. But hell, I can barely get enough writing done for real live preacher. Who has time to send it to less important people who want to put it on paper so that it ends up in the bottom of a bird cage. And then I could yell with joy, “I was in a magazine! Oh joy of joys, I’ve been affirmed by the powers. I must be a REAL writer.” Seriously, who has time for that nonsense?

PP:   Congratulations, I think you’ve just become one of my least favorite persons.

RLP:   Oh, wait. I did send a short story to The New Yorker once. Never heard back from them. So forget all that self-righteous stuff I just said. Short answer to your question: The New Yorker.

   

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PP:   OK.  I’ll accept that.  I’ve been rejected by The New Yorker many times.  What’s (one of) the best and worst things you’ve done as a pastor.

RLP:   My best and worst things are the same thing. I am unapologetically, lazily, boldly, foolishly myself. There is no discernible difference in having a beer with me and hearing me preach. I walk around the church like I’m just one of the members. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind wearing the pastoral mantle. I marry them and bury them and preach every Sunday. I’m not ashamed of the distinctive nature of that calling. But it’s just one of the callings among our gathering of friends. Everyone has a calling. One guy feels called to mow the grass. He’s a lawyer usually, except when he mows the grass as his calling.
 

          So how is that also my worst thing? Because my weaknesses hurt the church sometimes. I am a TERRIBLE administrator. I have serious problems even remembering what month it is. That is literally true. So my lack of organization and poor temporal awareness takes its toll. I think we’ve lost some members who just needed things to be better organized.  But then again, better organized churches are on every street corner. So they’ll be fine.

PP:  You have some great artwork on your site by Steve Erspamer.  Tell us something about that.

 

RLP:    Our church doesn’t hire people to do things. Except for me and the the other minister and we make less than a person can live on. So we both have other jobs. So for years I was the one who laid out our order of worship and every other thing that came out of the printer. I found a three-volume set of Erspamer’s work at Viva Books i San Antonio and knew I had hit a GOLD mind. What? This is clipart? Are you kidding me? It’s beautiful, unique, and evocative. And you can buy the right to use it in religious contexts. I bought all three volumes and started using it at our church.

           When I started real live preacher, on a whim I began putting one of his pieces of clipart at the bottom of each post. I do not remember why I started that, but I’ve never stopped.

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PP:    If Jesus were here today, do you think he’d wear flannel, wool, or cotton?

 

RLP:   If he showed up in Canada, he’d wear wool. But what are the chances of that? Please, we all know that if Jesus shows up at all, it’s going to be right here in the U.S. of A. Can I get a witness? Now if he showed up in some backwoods place where they cut down trees, he’d probably wear flannel. But that’s not where he’s going to go. I don’t think Jesus likes chain saws.

          So he’s going to have to show up somewhere where people wear cotton. That means either an urban area, which is out because of the rank sin therein. Or Texas, where we wear these great cotton shirts because we work and need to keep the sun off our arms.
 

          And since he’ll be in Texas, I’ll gladly loan him one of mine. I just back-tracked through the logic of my conclusion that Jesus will return in Texas. And….it all looks good to me. Yeah, in Texas and wearing cotton.

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PP:    You wrote of your battle with depression.  How have people in church responded to this?

RLP:    Beautifully. They read it. Said some prayers for me. And have treated me just like they always did. These are my friends, understand. That’s how we all see it.
Sometimes my medication makes my mouth dry. I once said that when I preach on depression medication my tongue feels like a tube sock filled with sawdust. So they don’t mind my liberal use of lozenges and bottled water. They just smile when I stop and take a swig.

PP:    And finally, do you agree with my contention that all interesting persons are either Texans, Kentuckians, or Jews?  If so, why is that?  If not, can you cite an interesting person not in one of these categories?

RLP:   Oh no, I’m fairly certain there are interesting people everywhere. Why I myself once saw an interesting person in Albany. And I believe I saw an interesting man on the streets of Chicago.  I would have talked to him but I had just ordered a bowl of soup and was waiting for it.

 

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PP:  Thank you, Mr. Real Live Preacher, for spending some time with us.  I pray you ministry be rewarding and fruitful for years to come.