A Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy in Therapy

 

         Today, we bring into Therapy our favorite member of the vast right-wing conspiracy, none other than Murphy Klasing.  While admittedly determined to keep the nation on the straight-and-narrow path of conservatism, Murphy also has a refreshing sense of humor.  Hence, he was willing to subject himself to our rather inane (yet sometimes surprisingly spiritual) questions.  The following is what transpired -

Pistol Pete:   Murphy, welcome to Necessary Therapy.  Let’s get right started.  If you weren’t a lawyer, what would you be?

 

Murphy Klasing:  From the time I was in high school, I dressed like Michael J. Fox from “Family Ties”.  I wanted to be a lawyer.  I wanted to put bad guys in jail (which I did for a time) and then work against social and economic liberalism by spending my time primarily as a commercial defense attorney.

         But, if I wasn’t an attorney I would likely be a major league umpire.  I umpired baseball from age 19 to 27 and LOVED it!  I always wished that I had chunked my common sense and gone to umpire school to learn to be a major league umpire.  There is still time I suppose…

 

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PP:  What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to a Democrat? 

MK:  I hate to admit this–so I won’t use any names.  There was a rabid Democrat in a social organization I was in when I was in college.  I decided to torment him one night while watching the Country Music Video Station.  Every commercial break a product would advertise (for TV only) that could be ordered C.O.D.  So, I stayed up until 4 in the morning and ordered him every product that was advertised–and I ordered them all C.O.D.  Within a couple of weeks, UPS began arriving at his door daily with things like, The Hot Air Cooker, Popeet Storage Containers, Stain Remover, a Knife Set, a Rubik’s Cube with companion book and keychain, A Bird Clock that sings a different bird song each hour, ABBA’s Greatest Hits, and so on…  I know–I’m a devious sonofagun.

(Yes, it’s ABBA, not just 4 people dressed in aluminum foil underwear.)

 

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PP:  If you were a piece of food stuck in your teeth, what would you be?  And why?

 

MK:      Sorry–I have some OCD tendencies–I NEVER want food stuck in my teeth.  Frankly the very thought makes me gag–almost as much as that ABBA picture does–yeesh.

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PP:   What is one of your favorite Bible books to read and/or teach?

 

MK:  I have taught adult Sunday Morning Bible Study for 11 years.  In the Baptist Church, that typically means that we teach a book all the way through (sometime 2-3 books) per quarter.  My favorite book to teach is Acts.  I love the enthusiasm and raw faith the disciples had when they were spreading the gospel.  It didn’t matter if they were stoned, imprisoned, tortured or ridiculed, they continued to be upbeat, enthusiastic and focused on their goal of winning the world over to Christ–very uplifting and inspiring words.

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PP:  What is one of the least “Green” things you do on a regular basis? 

MK:   I do not recycle and I own an SUV. I frankly do not have time to keep separate bins for paper, plastic, cans, etc…  In fact, the only recycling I have ever really done is that I took my recycling bin given to me by the neighborhood, and threw it away.  I have gas logs that I love to burn in the short winter we have and I have lots of lights in my house.  But I suppose the least “Green” thing that I do is only buy wine with real corks.  I read recently that there is a shortage of cork and to save the (tree/plant) it comes from, some wineries are going to screw top and plastic corks–no way dude–bring me an expensive Cab in a corked bottle.  (Oh, and I don’t recycle the wine bottles either)

 

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PP:   If you could be the Attorney General or a star-studded Country and Western singer, which would you be?  And why?

MK:   Definitely Attorney General.  And then, I would work so hard to enforce the, what are those things called again…., oh yeah, LAWS regarding immigration.  You know, the ones that already exist–that no one seems to care about.  The ones that say that if you came here illegally we can deport you and in most circumstances we can order that you never return.  Those laws.  I’d focus a huge percentage of time on that and about 0% or less time on prosecuting baseball players for using drugs.

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PP:  If you were to take a mission trip, where would you go?  What might you do?

MK:  I would take a mission trip to Lake Tahoe because…okay I can’t say that with a straight face.  Seriously–I would likely want to do mission work here in the U.S. somewhere.  There are so many mission opportunities right here that I (being a little OCD–see Number 3) with kids can only imagine doing such work in the States.  But maybe later I’d consider Hawaii, Rome, Paris, Sydney, Hong Kong or anywhere on the coast in the Carribean.  (ha)

{artist’s rendering of Murphy witnessing to a woman on the beach}

 

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PP:  What is something you really like about your church?  What is something you wish might change?

MK:  I love that my church preaches and teaches from the Bible.  Not in spite of the Bible, not around the Bible, not with the Bible “in mind” but actually teaches right from it.  I think that is the only way to convey God’s message–with His actual Words.  I go to a VERY large Church in Houston (no–not Osteen’s Church) and it runs very smoothly and efficiently.  Change–can’t think of anything at the moment really.

{not Murphy’s pastor}

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PP:  Have you ever just picked up Elmo in the store and held him while he giggled?

MK:  No, however, last Christmas I was at Toys ‘R Us in the Star Wars section and I had just picked up an X-Wing fighter when my phone rang.  I was on the phone for a moment and then placed on hold.  While on hold, and oblivious to my surroundings I began to fly the ship around a little making laser gun sounds.  After about two or three sounds I noticed that two women were standing right behind me–needless to say, if I had been single, I would have had no chance at all–I mean NO chance.

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PP:   Well, we definitely want to thank you, Murphy, for spending some time with us in Therapy.  I’d like to leave you with some parting gifts but, unlike lawyers, pastors live on very limited budgets.  But, I would recommend to any of my readers out there who earn more than my meager pay to offer Murphy a thank you gift.  Something like  -

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