In 1988, in response to the rampant radical feminism on the campus of my seminary, some friends of mine and I formed a club we called the John Calvin’s Men’s Club. Apart from gathering nightly to watch The Andy Griffith Show, and making an occasional evening run to Denny’s to avoid doing school work, about the only thing we actually did was publish four issues of a newsletter called, fittingly, The Institute. In one issue I wrote a piece called “How to Speak Seminarian”.
Looking it over the other day, I find it to be just as timely (if not more so) 20 years later as when it was first written (apart from the reference to Jesse Jackson’s speech at the Democratic National Convention). I think the sage advice offered in this piece could apply not just to seminarians, but anyone entering academia or any other liberal enclave (such as much of the mass media, some corporate establishments like Ben & Jerry’s, even at many P.T.O. meetings run by women (or men) with at least two hyphenated last names).
We here at John Calvin’s Men’s Club would like to welcome entering students with a series of workshops entitled, “Speaking Seminarian.” For those of you who have yet to master this difficult language, you’re in for a real treat. For some “Seminarian” is more than just a language; it’s a way of life, an integral part of their identity. Others find the Seminarian language difficult to assimilate and at times impossible to comprehend. We encourage all entering students, and all returning students for whom the semantics of Seminarianism pose a problem, to attend these workshops and learn how to say just what people want to hear.
Workshop #1: “Making It Big with a Preferential Option for the Poor”
In this workshop we will outline ways in which we can feel good about ourselves by identifying with the less-fortunate. This course is strongly recommended for white, Anglo-Saxon, upper-middle-class males who have yet to identify themselves as an oppressor. Together, we will heap guilt on each other, then learn ways to alleviate this guilt through such methods as speech-listening, petition-signing, and check-writing.
Workshop #2: “Inclusivity for Beginners“
This workshop is strongly recommended for recovering fundamentalists and persons from small Midwestern towns. We will dissect the language of the “Seminary Policy on Inclusivity” and apply it to every aspect of our lives. If a liberating revelation does not occur, the workshop will adjourn with a vow of silence.
Workshop #3: “Advanced Inclusivity“
(Limited to persons without exclusive personal convictions)
In this workshop we will listen to Jesse Jackson’s convention address and commit it to memory. Persons successfully completing this workshop will be able to recite Jackson’s speech verbatim anytime standards of inclusivity appear to be threatened. (Caution: Participants must exercise caution when using this technique around African-American sisters and brothers, lest they seem to be mocking or co-opting this wonderful, indiginous language.)
Workshop #4: “Mastering the Ambiguous“
In this workshop, we will learn to face head-on difficult issues like the ordination of homosexuals, social policy and the Church, and abortion (and then duck our heads and run). The concentration here will be on abandoning such phrases as, “I find abortion ethically repugnant and Scripturally unsound,” in favor of phrases such as, “That’s a growing edge for me.” After successfully completing the workshop, you will be able to say a great deal without saying anything at all.
We hope that all entering students have an enjoyable experience in Seminary and we’d like to help make that possible. So stay tuned to The Institute for times and dates of the upcoming workshops.
In the mean time, should you find yourself trapped without the right words to say what people most want to hear, please call one of us here at The John Calvin’s Men’s Club. We’re recovering fundamentalists ourselves. We know the temptation to speak out, but through the grace of our Lord Friend Jesus (and others) Christ, we’ve learned to master speak well the Seminarian language. You can too!
great post…love it!
Darn!! I really want to sign up for Workshop #1; that whole WASP thing is gonna be hard for me to pull off though. Would being told that I “talk white” count in any way?
I’ve got the part down as for boosting my own self image in comparison to others less fortunate though, as well as the check-writing bit (I haven’t been to jail in 6 months since missing my last child support check).
Would you consider a hybrid of Workshop #1 and Workshop #2? Call it Workshop 1.2 1/2 if you will.
Workshop #3 may be a long time coming however, I can barely recall where I leave my car keys let alone committing to memory Jesse Jackson, I mean committing to memory anything that Jesse Jackson says, period.
Workshop #4 ??? I don’t understand what you are saying.
To conclude, I would like to include, that it is most rude, if you exclude…
The Pistol fires back:
First, we certainly accept non-WASPs as long as you sufficiently demonstrate that you are indeed an oppressor. You have “talking white” in your favor. Some might say you are trying to deny your cultural heritage and become one with your oppressor. You might need more work than you think.
Next, we are always open to course suggestions. We are so open, in fact, we never close. We never really come to any decisions for fear of excluding viable options.
Finally, you’ve got sort of a Jesse Jackson thing going there at the end. There may be hope for you after all.
When i was about to enter seminary I was introduced to the Society of St Cuthbert the Celibate.
It had three rules:
1. Members shall be celibate, at least during meetings of the society.
2. Meetings of the society should always be held on licensed premises.
3. Members of the society shall pray for each other on the 20th day of the month, when the appointed Psalm contains the verse “and the wild asses quench their thirst.”
The Pistol fires back: Sounds like some helpful rules. Were you able to follow them?