I can’t imagine what it must be like for a woman to conceive, nurture life within her for nine months, go through the intensity of labor, then place her child to live and be raised by another family. As an adoptive father, I thank God for women who make this choice (particularly over abortion), but I can’t fathom how difficult the choice must be for them.
Before my wife and I adopted our two youngest children, we went through classes, had a home study, and put together a family profile complete with pictures of us outside our home, in our backyard, at the dinner table. We wanted to present the image of a stable, Christian family committed to a non-hurried lifestyle who would embrace a child with special needs and help him/her reach their fullest potential.
Not long after we sent out the profile, we were chosen to adopt a little 8-week old boy living just 3 hours from where we were at the time. He entered our home 2 days later and hasn’t left since.
Though we wanted to maintain a relationship with his birth parents, they chose to cut ties and so, beyond basic medical history, we know very little. I don’t know, but I can’t help but think this choice to completely severe the relationship is likely even more emotionally painful than maintaining some contact.
The second time around, we were chosen about six months into the woman’s pregnancy. She and my wife communicated frequently. We planned to be there for the birth, but our flight arrived just a day late. We took her home from the hospital. We’ve stayed in touch with her birth parents, sending e-mails and pictures frequently.
I thank God for these two women who offered their children life and gave these lives to us to care for, but I can’t imagine how difficult a decision it must have been for them.
For some women the decision is even tougher. Some women are pressured into giving their children up, in much less desirable circumstances. Yesterday I ran across a post called “A Womb for Hire” on a site called Shahrazad, which offers a glimpse of life from the perspective of an Iranian woman.
Shahrazad describes the heart-breaking dilemma of a woman named Jamilah. Jamilah reflects on the life growing within her womb -
“Jamilah calls her, Bahar. Bahar in Persian means spring. At least that’s what she likes to call her: ‘Bahar is my daughter.’”
“Bahar will come with spring and will go forever: “What can I do? What could I do? My children are orphans. They have no dad. That’s night of Persian New Year. Me and my two little orphans. Being a maid can not make meals for my children. Now everything is God’s will. Indead He wanted i find this solution.”
Jemilah describes the solution in this way –
“Almost half and a year ago, one of those women I used to work for her as maid, offered this suggestion. She talked about a young couple who are infertile. Their problem is more than a simple artificial impregnation in the laboratory. Fetus could not resist in Woman’s womb. So They need a home for fetus to live in for nine months. They need a womb.“
They needed a fertile womb. She needed money for her family. So, they made the necessary arrangements and only now, with her daughter, Bahar, growing inside her, does she begin to realize what a tremendous cost she has paid to care for her family.
It’s hard to fathom the depth of Jamila’s sorrow that will live on long past the day of Bahar’s birth. As she sees children her age on the street. On birthdays. At the time she would be given in marriage. We can’t begin to imagine the awful situation of birthing a child only to trade it in to care for our other children. Giving up a life for the sake of others.
There are women like Jamila in many countries around the world. They offer their wombs and birth children for sale not because of greed or lack of concern, but out of a desperate need to feed the family they already have.
In her response to my comment on “A Womb for Hire”, Sharahzad writes this -
“I know many women in Jamilah’s situation who choose the easiest way and go through very wrong way. She really did great job for her family, I also think Jamilah should be praised such a mom for Bahar. At least she is who gives birth to Bahar..Money doesnt treat her pain..”
**********
more on children…
Thank you for posting this. Hiring a womb is a new way in Medicine and genetic science. But unfortunately after delivering, mom can not see the infant again. In Islam mom is who gives birth to child and she should be respected and praised so much.
The solution is that Jamilah at least be known as mom even if Bahar lives with her parents in ID card..
You’re blessed with adopted children. Making a home for orphans is the most wonderful deed and It is great that you and your wife did it for the sake of God.. :)
The Pistol fires back: And thank you, for sharing Jamilah’s story. It saddens me that she should be put in such a situation and I pray that God would somehow turn her sorrow into joy and that her child would be well cared for.
Thank you both. As you may be able to discern from my blog, one of our children was adopted. (Actually, both could have been, but if you saw my husband, you’d know where the older one gets her genes!). I often think of our daughter’s birth mother and pray for her. I read a book while waiting for our daughter called The Lost Daughters of China. It says that perhaps 50% of the girls adopted out of China have sisters (in the countryside, families can have more than one child, but still have a limit, so if the family wants a boy after having had girls, they may chose to abandon the girl). The book also says that the mother often does NOT want to relinquish her baby.Several thousand girls a year leave China having been forsaken under these circumstances (it is illegal to do so, therefore almost impossible to find birth parents). I cry thinking of the beautiful and bright woman who had to leave her baby at night in someone’s kitchen. Her pain must still be great and I have no way of knowing who she is so I can let her know how well her birthdaughter is doing. By the way, Pistol. Did you adopt special needs children? Is that your daughter? It’s one thing to adopt a healthy child; it’s a whole ‘nother thing to walk into a special needs situation….
The Pistol fires back: We do have a 4-year-old (today) girl who has Down Syndrome. This is not her, though she makes a similar expression.
Pete- This post really drew me in. I was adopted at about two months. Now my wife and I have two children and I’m still in awe, on a daily basis, that they are physically connected to me, since I’d never been able to look at anyone I knew like that before. I’m beyond grateful for my parents for adopting and raising me and, after having two children, my wife and I are starting to plan to adopt. I would be particularly interested in hearing more about the process that you went through to adopt either in a blog or e-mail if you don’t mind sharing. I’m informally surveying different organizations and agencies related to adoption and trying to educate myself and my wife about the process. Perhaps you have an old post in which you’ve addressed this that you could point me to. As for the main focus of this post, I think that it certainly takes more courage for someone to deliver a baby (for themselves or others) than to go the alternative route and this situation in particular must have been extremely difficult. Thanks for sharing this topic.
The Pistol fires back: I don’t think I’ve blogged much about our adoption process, but may well in the future. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me. The first step is always to get a home study done through your county’s “Department of Social/Human Services.” From there, people take a wide variety of paths. I highly recommend people consider special needs adoptions.
Pete: I think Down Syndrome kids are angels in disguise. Seriously.
The Pistol fires back: We are certainly blessed. I pray more people who give birth to children with Down Syndrome come to realize this. And, I pray more will be led to adopt children with Down Syndrome. The need now is great. And, for those of you interested in adopting – you can adopt a “special needs” child (such as one with Down Syndrome) without the extensive wait and at a fraction of the cost (even receiving a stipend to off-set extra expenses). I highly recommend it.
I just want to say that “I applaud any and everyone that adopts”. I think of it as a sincere form of mimicking God’s grace & attitude in adopting us into His family.
I’m lost at merely attempting to comprehend (sans extenuating circumstances known) the weight, the mental burden and anxiety that would/could accompany making a decision to give away your own flesh and blood that you carried in you for 3/4 of a year.
And yet, God essentially did just that… gave away his child.
The Pistol fires back: You make an excellent point about God giving away his Son. And, to a much lesser degree, every parent must (however gradually) let go of their children. It’s just that, unlike God and the rest of us, Jamilah may never know what happens to her daughter after giving her birth.
A beautiful Post, Pete. Well done, aching and thought-provoking.
The Pistol fires back: Thank you. I was really moved by Jamilah’s story and the way Shahrazad tells it. I felt compelled to pass it on.
Hello, this post is very interesting to me.
Tomorrow, I am having lunch with a young woman who is several months pregnant. The father of the child is in prison, the mother-to-be has not yet seen a doctor, she is living with a man in a converted garage in the man’s parents home. Neither one of them work. When I have lunch with her tomorrow, I am going to strongly suggest that she give up the baby for adoption.
Please pray for me that God will help me say the right thing.I have never done anything like this before. She is a sweet, beautiful girl, and I do not want her to feel I think she has no worth. But I do want her to see that her baby would probably have a much better life if she lets someone else rear this child. She has a 5 year old, who is being reared by the mother of girl who about to give birth again.
The Pistol fires back: I will pray for you and for this woman you will meet. Listen carefully. Respond prayerfully. The Holy Spirit will give you the words to speak (and let you know when not to speak).
Moving Pete. Very much so.
I am in awe of the paternal process. I never had an ounce of it in me and children are not and never will be a part of my Wikipedia write up.
Mother Nature and time prevents from exploring that option, so personal preference no longer plays a role in my situation.
The big question is would I if I still could? I don’t think so. I never married and never really even came close and I never cared to “go it alone”.
Some have told me that a part of me, as the woman I am will remain unfulfilled because I’m childless and well, I take great exception to this. I know what the Bible implies, that we should go forth and multiply. But I just don’t think maternity or paternity is right for everybody. I’m not using that as an excuse because that sums up my life–one the contrary, I know several people who should never have procreated.
That doesn’t mean I’m not maternal toward my staff, my colleagues, my pets or my nieces and nephews. I am. And I enjoy that. It fills any void…emotionally or psychologically.
Anyway, Rev…that you adopted a special needs child is a glorious thing. Not that you need to be told how selfless an act it was, but it was.
I admire you even more now that I know this.
Stars in your crown.
LK
The Pistol fires back: The Apostle Paul says there is great honor to be found in singleness. Married people with children don’t receive all the glory. When you devote yourself to service as a single woman, you devote yourself to God. In some ways, you are more free to do this without children. So, do what you can, and rejoice in the Lord.
P.S. Don’t admire me. My wife does 99.9% of the parenting. I simply bring home money to pay for it.
PS. I’m A HUGE fan of Hillary Clinton’s.
Does the Bible say anything about abject sarcasm being a sin?
Thou shalt not wax sarcastic, maybe???
The Pistol fires back: I’ve usually applied the verse, “Let your Yes be Yes and your No be No.” But, what the heck, it’s all in good fun.
So, Pete, I’m interested in your take on people who could be genetic parents but who cannot carry a child to term. Should they bypass the option to have a genetic child in favor of adoption? Stay childless? What if a family member offers to carry the child to term?
Thanks.
The Pistol fires back: All tough questions and I wouldn’t want to respond with a one-size-fits all ethical reply. I would only say that being both a biological and adoptive father, there are blessings in both.
I looking for a company that provides services like this because I want to rent my Womb.
The Pistol fires back: Don’t know of any “renting your womb” job ops. I’ll keep you posted if hear of something.