Muslim Extremists Abduct the Pistol!

Newscaster:     We interupt this regularly scheduled post to bring you some late-breaking news.  We take you to our roving reporter, Buff Spritzer.  Buff, are you there?

Buff:  Yes, I am.  Buff Spritzer reporting from outside the American embassy in Tehran.  That’s in Iran, by the way.  We’ve just received word that Pistol Pete - beloved founder and principal blogger of the critically-praised ”Necessary Therapy” has been taken hostage by a group of Muslim Extremists.

Newscaster:  Have the captors made any statements?

Buff:  No.  No, wait.  I see three large men.   Well, maybe not so large.  I’d say about 5′ 9″.  Anyway, they’re stepping out of the building now.  Their heads are covered with shrouds.  They’re each carrying weapons.  Big ones.  No wait.  They’re umbrellas.  Yes, they are definitely carrying umbrellas.  Black ones, that look like guns.  Oh, wait.  One of them is stepping up to a conveniently placed microphone.  Right now.  Let’s listen in… 

Captor:   Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press and people of the earth.  We bring you greetings from beautiful downtown Tehran, home of the beautiful Azadi (Freedom) Cultural Complex.  Praise be to Allah!  We just want you to know we have the Pistol.  He is safe and in good hands.  Any questions?

Reporter #1:  You speak English very well.  Where were you educated?

Captor:  Thank you.  NYU, class of ‘86.

Reporter #2:  What was your major?

Captor:  Global Peace Studies, with a minor in Retributive Justice.

Reporter #3:  What are your demands for releasing Pistol Pete?

Captor:  None, really.

Reporter #3:  But you have to make demands.  That’s how hostage situations work.

Captor:  Not this time.  We’re just going to keep him until we feel like letting him go. 

Reporter #4:  Why abduct the Pistol?

Captor:  Abduct is such a harsh word.  Let’s say…. escort.  Can we say escort?

Reporter #4:  OK, why did you escort Pistol here?

Captor:  We believe the success of our cause, excuse me, of Allah’s cause, depends on the effective use of the blogosphere, targeting particularly such vulnerable groups as:  virtual Christians, disgruntled athiests, pseudo-intellectuals,  Mike Huckabee-supporters, self-published poets, homeschooling moms, and under-employed English majors.  The Pistol’s blog - “Necessary Therapy” - reaches this population like no other blog can. 

Buff:  So, you are going to shanghai “Necessary Therapy”.

Captor:  “Shanghai” is such a harsh word.  And, it’s Japanese.  Plus, that isn’t even a question.  You are not a very good interviewer.  Nonetheless, I will respond.  We believe Pistol Pete will simply come around to our way of thinking.  

Buff:  What kind of Muslim extremists are you?  What do you call yourselves?

Captor:  That’s two questions in a row.  I think that’s against the rules.  But, I’ll answer just the same.  We are not exactly Muslim extremists.  We are more moderate.  Muslim moderates.  We call ourselves the “All for Allah Club”.

Buff:  Do you really think such a God-fearing, Bible-quoting, Jesus-loving, Evangelical as Pistol Pete will convert to Islam?

Captor:  You use too many adjectives.  And I’m not so sure of your use of capitalization.  And do you think just because you are the only one named in this article you get to ask all the questions?  Where did you get your journalism degree? 

Buff:  University of Phoenix.

Captor:  Just as I thought.  An on-line degree.   Nevertheless, for the sake of Allah’s cause, I will answer.  Yes.  We believe the Pistol will bow down to Allah, become a faithful Muslim, change his name, and one day get to enjoy, you know, the whole virgin thing…  Now, if there are no further questions, I must get back to the Embassy.  The club is weaving the Pistol a special prayer rug with a picture of his LSU jersey on it. 

Buff:  The captors are now returning to the Embassy.  God only knows what torture they’ve devised.  This is Buff Spritzer, reporting from Tehran.  Goodnight.  

Buff:  (to cameraman) Who says there’s a one-question rule?  What’s wrong with multiple adjectives?  And, I’ll have you know, three of my journalism classes were on-site.