Today’s guest blogger is Gern Blanston. Gern is a crane operator, from Ohio. His father is a chief from a foreign land. There is a large sum of money tucked away in a bank account which he would be glad to share with you if you are willing to help with a few details here and there. In his free time he enjoys fixating on what he has to do next. And writing. Of course, writing.
“Our next caller here on “Necessary Therapy Couch Talk” is Gern, a crane operator from Ohio. Hello, Gern, what’s on your mind?”
Gern: Hey Pistol! Long-time listener, first time caller.
NT: I’m sorry, Gern, Pistol Pete isn’t with us today. This is Tony, one of the insignificant lackeys here at Necessary Therapy.
Gern: Oh, right. Okay. So, I’m curious what your take is on the current election season. I love your show by the way. Anyhow, I want to make a couple of comments and then I’ll hang up and listen.
First thing, where did these candidates come from? It’s like when you go to the grocery and you’re after bananas - you know what I mean? You really need to get some bananas and then you get there and they’ve got’em, but they’re all green. So you dig around because you really don’t want to have to set’em in the window and wait on them. You want a banana tonight. You keep moving the bunches and moving the bunches and … nothing. Just more green bananas. I feel that way about every candidate I see. Problem is we’re gonna have this election and then, boom, one of em’s gonna be President. Of the flipping United States. We really aren’t at a put’em in the window and wait for’em to ripen moment in history. Am I right? Pistol, you there?
NT: No, Gern, like I said, Pistol Pete is not with us today.
Gern: Okay, so second, and this’ll just take a moment. Do you have some way of keeping these folks straight? One guy is a Mormon. That seems to be a pretty serious issue (maybe this is just a big Wheel of Fortune game and he’s the only candidate who was able to guess the second M and the rest are stuck with…) One guy is a strict law enforcement, party going cross-dresser. One guy is on that Law and Order show (I swear it, really). One guy is, like 15, and he’s African-American which is way different. One guy isn’t even a guy. I’m not making this stuff up. So my question is - (I’ve got one, really) how can I tell which of them is actually qualified to be the President of something?
I’m looking for guidance and I’ve been drawing blanks so I thought, it’s time to go to the Pistol and get the truth. You got it, right? Thanks for taking my call.
NT: That was Gern - crane operator from Ohio. Thanks for your call, Gern. I’m not sure what the Pistol would say if he were here. As for the Necessary Therapy take on the election, that’s a tough one. None of the staff here is actually registered to vote. Personally, I come from a long line of non-voters. The last time my father voted was 1968. He voted for George Wallace. He now says me, “ Wallace didn’t win, so I figure - what’s the use?” My mother tells me - “Why vote? You only encourage them.”
My advice to you is to shop at organic markets. The bananas don’t have the same yellowish sheen, but they’re usually perfectly ripened and you can rest assured you’re not ingesting dangerous chemicals.
i sure could eat one of those bananas!
Gern should also try out other grocery stores. In my area, Shaws is a good source of bananas with a waiting period. I assume that that’s to make sure that you REALLY want to eat them … or, perhaps, someone there took seriously the old cartoons in which people used bananas as guns.
The Brady Banana Bill (there’s a “Brady Bunch” joke there, I know, but I don’t see it), I suppose.
But at Market Basket, you can get bananas that spoil before you get out of the store! Some of them are just yellow … others are already to the point of being good for banana bread.
This is why I get my bananas at Hannaford. It’s sort of a Goldilocks story: “These are too green. These are too ripe. Oh, these are just right!”
Favorite bumper sticker:
Bad President!
no banana
Too funny! ROFL! Your uh… caller just about got it right!
Tsk. In your collage of presidential candidates, you left out the single candidate whose consistent conservatism shines out from a cesspit of hypocrisy, waffling, and obfuscation:
Fred D. Thompson.
*cries a river*
NT replies: Fred is actually in this picture. See that big eagle thing in the middle? Fred’s behind that, napping. But he asked to be awakened if anything important happened or if Dick Wolf called.