Sinful Despair
June 12, 2007 by pistolpete
I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go about my day lately. I have no motivation. I can’t concentrate on anything. Everything seems a tremendous chore. I’m going through terrible despair and I’m not sure why.
So I pick up a book of C.S. Lewis quotes and my eyes hit on this -
“Despair is a greater sin than any of the sins which provoke it.”
Think of that. Despair as sin. None of this mamby-pamby pity for someone like me going through depression. Just the cold, bracing reality that I am a sinner and I need to call on the forgiveness of Christ.
Then I was preparing for a Bible study and ran across these words of Matthew Henry -
“Those that are melancholy and troubled in mind have thoughts arising in their hearts which reflect dishonour upon God, and create disquiet to themselves.”
So why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to God? Sure, there’s the body chemistry answer, but I think there’s a deeper spiritual one as well. I think I’m possessed by a spirit of dis-ease that keeps me from going about my day grateful for the good life God has given me.
So, I would appreciate your prayers. Please pray that I be forgiven of despair and that I might rediscover the joy of my salvation.
I will say a prayer for you, and am grateful for the opportunity to do so.
The Pistol fires back: Thank you.
P.S. Thank you for such an honest discussion of a difficult and complex subject…. I was reading in Philippians 4 this past weekend, where Paul refers to the need to bring your requests to God….. these verses speak to the same truth that you have mentioned in your blog:
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
What a wonderful reminder when one is struggling with despair, depression, anxiety or life’s burdens….
The Pistol fires back: Amen.
I just stopped and prayed, I identify with every word you said so my prayers are very sincere and I’ll keep them going.
The Pistol fires back: Thank you very much. That means a lot to me.
If I read correctly, you have mentioned that you are bi-polar. I admire you for sharing your downs as well as your ups. The question might better be “why not?”
Dear Lord, I see great sadness in this world and it doesn’t make sense. Dear Savior, people I care for and people I have shared joy with are without joy today. They are tired and feel they have no relief. Dear Friend, please let them feel your comforting touch, at least for a moment, so that they can know that this pain will pass. Dear Teacher, please help us to listen to you in our sorrow and find the path you light for our feet. I pray, Dear Father, in Jesus’ name, in the name of our bringer of joy and our bearer of sorrows.
As I pray, Pistol Pete, I am also thinking of my son who’s wife seems to have become addicted to Second Life and who has turned her back on their family (and told him that she no longer loves him). And I pray for me with severe back pain that has been going on for months. It relieves my pain to pray for the relief of others’.
I don’t know a whole lot about C.S. Lewis, but I sure liked the movie “Shadowlands” and I got the impression that after his wife died, he had a new understanding of the absence of joy. So I would ask what was the context of the quote. (I’d hate to be held accountable for things I’ve declared in the past.)
Well, enough yammering. I yak because I wish there was something I could do to - and I know it’s something God can do, and I think I’ll keep asking Him.
The Pistol fires back: Thanks for your prayers. The quote comes from The Screwtape Letters. I’ll have to read it again for the context.
Praying for you right now Pistol!
The Pistol fires back: Thank you.
I am joining my prayers to the chorus of those expressed above. Though I don’t know you in person, I feel as though I do. Certainly I can tell from your writings in this blog that you are a thoughtful and talented person. Someone who’s thoughts are often wise, and always appreciated. My prayer is that you may come to once again acknowledge God’s amazing love in bestowing on you those unique gifts that are yours; and that you may relish in them and Him with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude and delight. Blessings brother. And Love!
The Pistol fires back: Thank you. I feel blessed.
Despair is not a sin and you are not a sinner. Despair is a manifestation of depression. It is so disturbing to me that you are reading texts from men ignorant of science and showing the wretched predjuice against the mentally ill. You have an illness — no sin, no heroics. I do not believe that God needs you to be grateful and no action of yours can dishonour Him.
Let your faith in God help you to manage this episode of depression carefully. Many people care for you and are praying for you to regain balance and peace of mind. I am one of them.
The Pistol fires back: You clearly have some passion about this and I appreciate your concern and prayers. I do think, however, you estimate those men “ignorant of science”. They may have expressed truths in less modern ways, but I think that in many ways they are wiser than we are. Don’t fret, though, I’m still taking my meds.
I’m praying for you my brother… Be assured the Lord comfort s the depressed and downcast (2 Cor 7:6).
The Pistol fires back: I feel assured.
Still here, still praying.
I know someone who is going through terrible grief over a marriage. Three months ago his wife announced that she didn’t love him any more. He says that every day since then has been a nightmare, in sleep and in waking hours. He feels that it has been eternal. You and I know that three months is not a long time, but when you are in hell it feels eternal. I’m sure depression feels that way. I say this because from where I sit, it doesn’t seem that you have been depressed that long. I haven’t “known” you through a bi-polar cycle (and I feel your blog is a way of knowing you) so I don’t know how long one might typically go.
Manic-depression runs in my family although I think I’m the least affected. I’m just moody, but don’t sustain the moods for long. Once I had a long period of misfortune. My sadness was broken one day by a sudden perception that my misfortunes were so bad they were ludicrous … and I was able to laugh.
I love your sense of humor and really enjoyed your Imus series. I also love hearing of your Christian experience, strength and hope. I look forward to your sharing more. Please.
The Pistol fires back: Thanks for your continued prayer.
So know you are lifted in prayer. and rest in His hands.
Hang in there. There are many of us who admire you and find your words well spoken and always gentle. I know your despair firsthand, so just take the time you need for yourself, friend. We’ll be here when you get back.
Also: My 20 year old son has just started on an antidepressant, after a long overdue conversation with him about this horrible chemical imbalance suffered by most of my own side of the family. It’s difficult to watch one’s only child sink into the black hole, knowing firsthand what it’s like in there. My heart aches for him, but I”m hopeful that medication and talk therapy will help bring him back.
I know you will find your way out of this. Peace.
The Pistol fires back: I’ll pray for your son as well.
hey pastor - i hope this finds you feeling a bit better and on the upswing. i am glad to see you are still taking your meds and have to say that while i love c.s. lewis, i have to agree with the lin, above - despair is not a sin. mental illness and depression are also not sins, either venial or mortal. despair is as much a sin as perhaps a physical manifestation of an illness, such as a thyroid problem you had no control over (like nodules or something you could have done nothing to prevent). it is a chemical thing in your brain, unless you have drug issues you wish to discuss next ;)
just my two cents, dear one. will say a prayer for you this evening.
p
The Pistol fires back: I think “sin” here needs to be understood in a broader sense than just doing something wrong. Sin is “dis-ease”, something that goes against God’s good order. The condition of sin permeates all forms of illness - physical, emotional, spiritual. The key I think is that we use all resources at our disposal to combat its effects. By the way, I have had a few good days and am hopeful for more.
Thank you for sharing that. I myself have been waking up mortified at the day and situations I’m dealing with right now. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that your post gave me some hope and helped re-affirm that God has a plan for you and I both and that one way or another he watches after his children. Thanks again so much :)