I stood there in front of God and all those witnesses, holding hands with the one who would become one with me. It was time to say my vows, but I couldn’t. I was shaking, my neck was quivering. Tears streamed down my face. I was utterly overwhelmed by the magnificent grace of someone willing to devote their life to me.
Ultimately, the words came out and, over 16 years later, I can say my marriage has been a marvelous blessing - more than that bawling 26-year-old could have imagined that day. I can’t say my marriage has made me a better person. In fact, it often reminds me how far short I fall. Still, my marriage gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done.
In an essay on The Odyssey, Wendell Berrry draws on the story of Odysseus and his marriage to Penelope. Odysseus is captured as a sort of “love slave” by the goddess Kalypso. Zeus orders Kalypso to set Odysseus free, but Kalypso resists. Instead, she gives him the choice of staying with her and becoming immortal or returning to his wife and, ultimately dying. Kalypso challenges him to think of how much better he might have it with her rather than with Penelope, but Odysseus responds -
“My quiet Penelope - how well I know - would seem a shade before your majesty, death and old age being unknown to you, while she must die. Yet, it is time, each day I long for home.”
Wendell Berry writes - “Odysseus’ journey from the cave of Kalypso to the bed of Penelope is at once geographical and moral.”
Odysseus doesn’t have to - he wants to - go home. Such a journey is not just matter of course. It requires that he willfully redirect his ship away from whatever creaturely comfort might be found beyond his marriage. It requires that he throw caution to the wind and head home to Penelope, for whom his heart truly longs.
If given the choice between marriage and immortality, I’m afraid most people today would leave marriage far behind. In fact, it takes a lot less for many to forsake their marriages. As often as not, people today break their marital bonds over far more fleeting pleasures. They fail to see the benefits of maintaining God-given unity and oneness. Instead of “forsaking all others”, they forsake the one human relationship that most gives life meaning and purpose.
Marriage is a never-ending journey home. In another essay, Berry writes -
“The meaning of marriage begins in the giving of words and in joining ourselves to the unknown.”
There are no guarantees in life that any marriage will work out the way you want it to. That’s not the important thing. The important thing is not that it works out for us, but that we work out for it.
Marriage is a great adventure. If you should get on board, keep your head up. Disregard those counter-vailing winds and always look to the horizon for the place called home.
I feel that the reason is because marriage isn’t viewed as it once was. It used to be you married to actually be with someone for the rest of your life, to start a family, etc. Now it is just a way to throw a huge party and get cheap insurance.
What made me think of it was an article talking about weddings…it talked about how weddings are so outragous that very few are actually about the married couple committing to each other and more about how big of a party someone can throw. Some friends of ours will be paying for their wedding for YEARS because of the loans they had to take out to pay for it.
I also remember my (then future) ILs being upset because my husband and I weren’t having an extravagant affair. We were married in the park. We got an interfaith minister for our ceremony…and she also helped us write our ceremony so it wasn’t your usual one that you hear. A friend made my dress…it was blue and not white. Everyone stood in a circle around us, not in chairs just watching us. We had fried chicken from Chicken holiday as our food…no fancy caterers for us! It was all about us…about us deciding to share our lives together…not about how much we paid for this or finding just the right stationary (I printed our on card stock on my computer)…or even having a $1000 cake (we had a cup cake tree).
I think now, as a general rule with some exceptions..marriage is seen as just something else to do…the next step…and no one thinks about what happens after. Marriage is a JOB…it is WORK. You can’t just live together and expect it to function properly…which I think many people think will happen now days. It is a shame to as it leaves countless children in broken or disfuncional homes now.
The Pistol fires back: Very tragic & true.
So far (32 years) it’s been quite an adventure and I pray that the adventure continues for many more years! Blessings on your adventure.
The Pistol fires back: And the same to you.
Great reminders Pistol! Did you see the unfortunate billboards in Chicago? “Life is short…Get a divorce.” Kinda slaps in the face for everything we try to do in keeping families together, doesn’t it?
The Pistol fires back: I did not see those. A pretty sad comment on society.
amazing and beautiful. and timely, for me, as i find myself lately longing for that kind of relationship and family. but this is one of the reasons why i know that i’m not necessarily ready to fully appreciate it yet. do i even know how to make that kind of commitment? i’m not sure i do yet, and so i wait.
The Pistol fires back: Glad this spoke to you. Funny thing about commitment - it often comes whether we’re ready or not. You do well to make the most of your current commitments so you can better be prepared when others come along.
Very well put, sir. I am currently engaged (we met in August of 2004) to a really fine & amazing human being, who is honest, generous, funny, compassionate, with a deep & true faith in God. I consider myself blessed (even moreso, as this is a 2nd chance/gift….for us both) to be the recepient of his trust and love. We definitely bring out the best in one another, and I consider him my best friend. 6 yrs ago, with a great deal of effort, I came out of an unhealthy & abusive relationship, and wondered if I would ever be able to trust again. Along the way, I have learned this truth: that love is a choice, not merely a feeling. When we make that commitment, we make a decision; and then we work out that committment, day by day, stubbornly giving ourselves to the common good. God will bless our efforts, and has given us SO MANY specific instructions in His Word about how to make a marriage work… It’s amazing, when you really open yourself to God - AND to your partner, what can happen.
Mr. Berry has written some incredibly beautiful poems about marriage, committment, passion & trust….stuff that will take your breath away.
The Pistol fires back: May God continue to bless your life and marriage.
Thank you for writing on this subject, as it is one that we could all use some deeper understanding of…. many of our society’s ills, I believe, stem from this loss of the sanctity of marriage (like on the billboard in Chicago).
is that you and mrs. pistol?
:)
congratulations on your anniversary…
p
The Pistol fires back: No. We’re a lot skinnier. Or, we used to be.
Parents celebrating 62 years this month!!!
I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed reading your article on marriage. My best friend (my husband)and I will be married 25 years next month. I am truly thankful that God put us together and we have weathered storms that have been unimaginable for most couples. We lost 2 of our precious children in a terrible car/tractor trailor accident when they were only 6 & 7 1/2 yrs old. My husband cared for me for months due to me being injured in the accident. We now have 2 children that survive and for that I am grateful. We know that the Lord put us together and we know that we have become one. My husband told me yesterday that when I do not feel good, he can feel it. It was so sweet to me, but then we are supposed to be as one flesh. Again, thank you for your articles. I look forward to spending 25 + more years with my best friend.