The day after the Virginia Tech shootings, a good friend who knows my history with Bipolar Disorder asked how the news was affecting me. She was particularly concerned how I was responding to all the media attention paid to the killer’s own mental illness.
I hadn’t thought much about it. My initial response was that it hadn’t really affected me much at all. Common sense tells you it would take a stark-raving madman to do such an atrocious thing. It’s shocking, but no genunine surprise that this deranged man had fallen prey to the demons that haunt many of us yet, through the grace of God, they are more often than not kept at bay.
The more I thought about it, though, and the more coverage that unfolded, the more the atrocity thrust me back onto the resources God had given me to make it through my own struggle. I was led to pick up again the book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison. Jamison writes –
“With vibrissae twinging, antennae perked, eyes fast-forwarding and fly faceted, I took in everything around me. I was on the run. Not just on the run but fast and furious on the run, darting back and forth across the hosptial parking lot trying to use up a boundless, restless, maniac energy. I was running fast, but slowly going mad.”
Dr. Jamison is one of the world’s leading clinical experts on Bipolar Disorder. She lives with it both professionally and personally. In An Unquiet Mind, she traces the lines of her own journey into, around, and through this deceptive madness.
In her opening chapter, Jamison writes – “The Chinese believe that before you can conquer a beast you first must make it beautiful.”
”It has been a fascinating, albeit deadly, enemy and companion; I have found it to be seductively complicated, a distillation both of what is finest in our natures, and of what is most dangerous.”
In my own personal and pastoral trip through the mountains and valleys of mood swings, An Unquiet Mind has been like a faithful companion. Jamison is able to describe in sharp detail the psychological features of the illness. At the same time, she writes with a gentle, soothing spirit that softens what can be the too-brilliant glare of clinical expertise.
What I like most about An Unquiet Mind is that it expresses well the love-hate relationship that exists between persons with Bipolar and the beast that often takes over our minds. Jamison writes -
“Why would I want anything to do with this illness? Because I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters; worn death “as close as dungarees,” appreciated it — and life — more; seen the finest and most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through.”
As one with an unquiet mind, I find living with An Unquiet Mind to be reassuring. Sometimes you need to give your beast a companion to keep it from doing great damage.
more on Bipolar…
“Bipolar Disorder: The Numbers”
“How Not to Befriend a Person with Bipolar”
my roommate is bipolar, and she swears by this book. she’s been trying to get her boyfriend to read it for years, in the hopes that he might begin better understanding her life. i think in the summer, after my school program ends and i have more free time, i should give it a read too.
The Pistol fires back: You won’t regret it. Apart from being the best first-hand account of living with Bipolar, it is simply a great read.
No one understands the mind of another person. “Mental illness” is such a crazy, catchall phrase…I think we all suffer on one level or another. I truly believe we are only one breath away from insanity many times and can not begin to judge or condemn the actions of another person as an “illness” until we reconcile within ourselves those things that are madness.
Sounds like a great book…and I appreciate your thoughts!
The Pistol fires back: Oh yeah? Well, my mental illness is worse than your mental illness. So there!
Great post – I am now off to Amazon.com to buy the book. Have a dear family going through this right now and I want to understand. Thank you for sharing.
The Pistol fires back: Excellent. Let me know how you enjoy it.
I too will be buying this book. I was inspired by your post to write my own on this subject (Straight Through the Heart) — I hope it will help others to know they are not alone. Yours did.
linshaolin.wordpress.com
The Pistol fires back: Glad you were inspired. I read your poem and it’s very provocative. Thanks for weighing in.
one of my best friends was bi-polar. he struggled with it so fiercely and eventually, went off his meds (for the last time) and then subsequently took his life….my son has a family history of schizophrenia and we walked through that dark valley together when we discovered he also has this disorder, but in a milder form.
mental illnesses (there’s that catch phrase again…) are very rarely discussed as they are seemingly taboo, unless something tragic or extraordinary happens as a result thereof. thank you, dear one, for being brave enough to discuss it so openly here. i think many more people will be helped by this than will admit in an open forum.
peace.
The Pistol fires back: Thanks for your encouraging words. It is a shame so many people with a mental illness try to hide it – even from themselves. It can be a very dangerous beast to keep locked away. Eventually, it’s going to get out.
Great post Pistol! Just one important thing I have noticed about people referring to their disorder. You are not “bipolar” or “manic depressive” – this labelling assumes that the disorder forms your identity. Does the person with cancer say, “I am cancerous”? NO! You have an illness. You have bipolar disorder, but it does not define you.
The Pistol fires back: Good observation. I’m usually pretty good at making that distinction. Must’ve fallen through the cracks.
It’s suspicious to me that Kay Jamison first sought counselling three months after becoming a tenured professor. I wonder if she wasn’t drawn to psychology all along knowing she was a little unhinged already. I was diagnosed bipolar at age seventeen and wasn’t able to complete highschool due to the debilitating and stigmatising effects of my treatment. No tenured proffesorships here, but I did manage to acquire a BFA and am now a visiting professor. I feel I took the hard way, not the repressed Brooks Brothers disguised route, but then again I didn’t have the benefit of an air force upbringing to assist me in my charade. And one more thing: I’ve been medication-free for over ten years. Let’s see Kay Jamison recommend that from her psychiatric industry ensconced coccoon.
The Pistol fires back: Sounds like you’ve done very well for the circumstances. I must say my story is more like Jamison’s. I was blessed to have established a career (and insurance) before my first debilitating episode. Many folks don’t have it so good. Still, no matter what the age of onset, the illness is still a bear.
Eu lí aqui no Brasil o livro da Dra. Kay, e foi o início para a compreençao do que é fazer parte de uma árvore genealógica “florida” de bipolaridade!
Dr. Diogo LARA aqui no Brasil também escreveu um livro muito bom, “Temperamento Forte e Bipolaridade”!
Aos psiquiatras e profissionais da saúde em qualquer lugar do mundo que se dedicam a melhorar a vida de pessoas com bipolaridade, nosso eterno respeito e admiração!
Obrigada, Dra. Kay Jamison!
Venha ao Brasil quando puder.
The Pistol fires back: Huh?
Pete, I ran comment #8 through Babelfish with Portugese to English translation. This is what came through:
“I lí here in Brazil the book of the Dra. Kay, and was the beginning for compreençao of that it is to be part of” flowery “a family tree of bipolarity!
Dr. Diogo LARA in Brazil also wrote a good book here very, “Strong Temperament and Bipolarity”! To the psychiatrists and professionals of the health in any place of the world who if dedicate to improve the life of people with bipolarity, our perpetual respect and admiration!
Debtor, Dra. Kay Jamison! She comes to Brazil when she will be able.”
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By the way, I’m thoroughly hooked on your blog!
God’s blessings,
Janice
The Pistol fires back: Thank you, Janice, for shedding some light on the mysterious comment. Glad to have you hooked on Necessary Therapy. There could be much worse fates in life.
I could never understand why I felt unlike other “normal people” since a child and knew something was different inside me. My brain was NEVER EVER quiet – it ran at 150 miles an hour all the time and even caused me not to be able to sleep. I drove even myself crazy with my severe mood swings and hyper-emotionalism. I used to call myself a “walking contradiction” because I felt like I have two personalities inside me – one super confident, super high energy, incurable optimist, flying high on the world, this “WOW am I INCREDIABLE OR WHAT?!!?” personality and than this person who is so severly depressed, sad, shy, irritable, grouchy, snappy, can’t handle anything or anyone, “I HATE myself and the world” personality. I had been diagnosed with depression for years and it runs in my family. I am starting to realise that my form of depression is actually bipolar illness at the age of 46. I am trying to be brave and admit it and seek treatment for it because I have a 12 year old son who is a carbon copy of me. I so desperately want him to have a better quality of life than I did because of this disorder. Although the ups have been rather amazing – the bottemless well of the downs, the hopelessness and the exhaustion of the racing mind has made me wish desperately all my life to feel what it must be like to just be normal…to have a “quiet” and a balanced life in my own mind. It is scary because the stigma of “mental illness” is so great. I have discovered in the process that several of my family members (a 20 yr old neice and a cousin) have been diagnosed and treated for Bipolar. I also think my mom is Bipolar, because it totally fits with alot of her behavior. Its almost like this hidden, not talked about family secret, which is suprising because I have a close knit family who is always in each other business and we talk about everything! I think my mom sorta thought I might be Bipolar (even tho I dont think she wants to admit she might too) because she sent me an article on Patty Duke who has it. The thing that was a bit daunting was her saying “I thought because of your depression maybe your should read this…but you dont think YOU have MANIC depression do you?”. I know it was her attempt to help in her own way….she was raised Catholic and her upbringing taught her to turn toward God and just “straighten up and fly right”…like I said to her “trust me mom if it was that EASY for me, I would have already done it by now, dont you think? No one chooses to be this miserable inside their own head…..while I NEVER EVER EVER would commit suicide, I must admit, I UNDERSTAND why someone would do it…you feel so overwelmed and hopeless and exhausted just living in your own stupid head. Its part of what has kept me from seeking help….just trying to explain this to someone…GEEZ!! Sites like yours are helping me to gather my courage to do that though and I appreciate it.
I stumbled across this site because my 12 yr old just started Junior High a few days ago…already the teasing has started which has rocked the little confidence my sweet caring, hyper emotional boy possesses. This incident with him has brought back alot of the same issues I had in school at exactly the same time and just in one silly poof, my mood swings into feeling so sad, depressed and hopeless about the world. Having so little control over your own moods, starts to really make you feel CRAZY!
Its almost like fate running across your website, Pete…sorta like the universe is trying to encourage me and here’s why: Although I am not a huge basketball fan I have always known your name because my older sister, Cheri, always had the biggest CRUSH ON YOU. She would get downright giddy and would actually watch basketball games because YOU “Pistol Pete” were playing. What a fun memory! As soon as I read your name I smiled. Thanks….I needed a good smile today!